Bill & Sandy Fifield Artist - Authors - Speakers

Is There Help For My Fear?

Fear is an instinct, not a character defect. It seems to be a part of the human condition package everyone gets at birth consisting of sex, security, society and the search for spirituality or meaning of life. Our primal fears make sense, sort of, they are: fear of starving, fear of freezing, and fear of being eaten. The chances of any of this happening today are pretty slim although possible.

The 12 Steps helped to uncover some of my other basic driving fears; fears that rule my life. When I am in fear I cannot be any further into myself. What I uncovered in the recovery process is the fear that I am not enough. It became a self-fulfilling prophesy. I gathered evidence for this lie in every area of my life.

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Imagine a Day Without Fear

When I was first introduced to recovery and the 12 Steps, I was convinced they would not work for me. Then I finally asked a person who could lead me through the actions suggested by the Steps and found some willingness to proceed from her enthusiasm.

I could not imagine a day without fear.   I was not sure that I could or would be able to stay in my relationship with Bill.  We had been through so much.  I met him in 1965 when I was 20 years old and almost immediately we began living together.  Our great adventure had begun.   We wanted to create a true artistic partnership but there were no blueprints for this type of relationship at the time.  The closest thing we could find was the artist who married a good little woman and she helped him to achieve success at the cost of her own artistic ambitions. We knew that wouldn’t work for us but I was extremely dependent on him to fulfill my every need and desire, and to pull me into exciting and dangerous behavior.   I loved it but it didn’t quite go along with the partnership we had envisioned.  I remember the first time I actually thought, “I probably could go on living if he left me.”  What a radical idea!  I had always felt like a Victorian heroine who would just retire to bed and die of a broken heart.  How romantic, how silly, how ridiculous!

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“The End of Act Two”

With the installation of the Power Port in the upper right part of my chest, the curtain came down on Act Two of this drama in my life.  Act One was the discovery of the cancer, the subsequent removal of the brain tumor it spawned and receipt of all the information about what we will do about the whole situation in the future.  It seemed joyous; I was filled with gratitude and acceptance.  It’s not about me.  Oh, it hurt, was uncomfortable and boring but it was about what could I bring, how can I help?   What is the meaning of life?  Helpfulness to others.

Going into Act Two, I knew I was responsible for every thought word or action that comes from me. As the fourteen radiation treatments on my brain started, the effects of the Act One medications became really apparent. Combine that with the exhaustion from the radiation and I started losing ground.  I was told to watch out for shortness of breath but I honestly didn’t recognize it when it started to happen.  What a surprise to have a pain like a nail being driven into my left knee.  It was excruciating and began to travel down my leg.  Monday morning of my last week of radiation, the nurse in the office didn’t like my limp and sore leg, so she sent me for a CT scan to discover a blood clot and it’s off to the emergency room for us.   We are sent home with blood thinners.   The next day back for day twelve of radiation. Now I am really short of breath, I’m limping and hobbling along.  Now the nurse is angry.  “How could they let you go?”

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“The Big Lumps”–Sandy

“Then perhaps life, as it has a way of doing, suddenly hands us a great big lump that we can’t begin to swallow, let alone digest… What then?… Can we transform these calamities into assets, sources of growth and comfort to ourselves and those about us?”  The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 113

 Well, this last week has been the down and dirty of this process that started with the diagnosis of a brain tumor in Bill’s head over a month ago.  To watch the man you have loved for 47 years drained of strength, to see him lying there helpless, with no hair, radiation burns on his forehead, his heart racing at 166 bpm, short of breath; it becomes clear, too clear that this is serious and life threatening. 

The first go round with the discovery of the brain tumor and lung cancer was almost glamorous compared with this reality.  His whole being has been beaten down by twelve days of whole brain radiation, the withdrawal from the anti-seizure and steroid meds and recovery from brain surgery one month earlier.  What next?  How about a massive blood clot in his left leg?  How about  embolisms in both lungs?   These put him flat on his back in Critical Care for seven days, IV tubes in both arms, a heart monitor and oxygen tubes in his nose.

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“The Portals of Creation”

 Art has always been magical to me even as a child. I remember watching my dad paint. I watched the images appear as he sipped his Swiss Colony sauterne.  It was like being in an alchemist’s workshop; there was secret and forbidden knowledge.  He seemed to be able to go places nobody else did; he stood at the portals of creation.

 There was never any doubt in my mind about what I wanted to do and be.  Being able to stand at the portals of creation without fear seemed to be the trick.  I didn’t realize until much later that he gave that gift to me very early on. The way it looked to me was that alcohol fueled and was necessary to the process.   At first it worked beautifully and when drugs entered the equation, I went even further out—right on the razors edge.  The Universe was laid out before me.  Everything I saw and read reinforced this belief.   Look at all the awesome psychedelic art pouring out of the hippies.  There were paintings, sculptures, posters, crafts, music, and performance.  And look at history—Jackson Pollack, Gauguin, and Toulouse-Lautrec, all great artists and drunks.   And–the most compelling evidence of all–my own studio full of incredible works of art.

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“The Gift of Sponsorship”

“Love is seeing yourself in another without fear”

When my sponsor and I started into the 12 Steps, she gave me a carefully defined set of assignments.  I became extremely grateful for the set of guidelines she provided for me.  I needed definite directions because I was undisciplined and scattered.  My thought processes were vague and mushy.  Part of this problem was because I was withdrawing from an addiction I had indulged in for years and part came from the fact that I hadn’t focused on learning anything new for quite a while.  Not everyone needs this and there are many ways to sponsor a newcomer or even someone who has been around for a while, but I sure did.

When I asked her to be my sponsor, I requested that she teach me a way to pass this on to others.  I had become convinced that if I didn’t learn to pass this on, I would not be allowed to continue to come to the meetings.  Thank God, this is not true, but it was enough to force me into asking for help.   I then asked what I could do to pay her back for this and she told me that the only way I would be able to repay her was to make the effort to pass this on to at least one other person.  I agreed because I really needed her help to change my life and I had come to believe that the 12 Steps might just work for me.     Even though I had asked and had been told, I still did not realize the commitment she was making to me or the commitment I was making and how it would change my attitude and outlook on life.

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“What is my job as a sponsor?”

“Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends—this is an experience you must not miss….”  The Big Book, page 89

It is my experience that when we are done with the 12 Steps, the 12 Traditions and the 12 Concepts the best thing I can do is praise, compliment, encourage and bless.   The protégé/student is responsible for their own practice.  I am responsible for giving them the best possible understanding of the 12 Step process that is in my power to give.   My job is to produce another sponsor. However, everyone is free to do this in any way they wish; all that is asked is to report the results of what they are doing.

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