Bill & Sandy Fifield Artist - Authors - Speakers

INVITE ME TO “BE THE GIFT”

My purpose in writing this blog is to offer myself to your event as a speaker.  Contact me through Facebook or through www.digdeepinoneplace.com and I can send a copy of my talk at WACYPAA 2014.

INVITE ME TO “BE THE GIFT”

In October 2011 my husband Bill and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary with a renewal of our marriage vows and a lovely party in our spruced up Studio helped by our incredible friends.  The path in front of us looked so clear—our next steps seemed destined.    We saw ourselves growing old together to become that impossibly old couple sitting on the porch holding hands, seeing each other with eyes that remembered the way we used to look when we first met so long ago in 1965.  Our health was still good, we looked great.  Bill was probably more handsome than he had ever been—at the height of his powers, intellectually as well as artistically.  He was 64. I was 66—we never felt better emotionally, spiritually and artistically.

 We were looking forward to being invited to present our understanding of the 12 Steps, 12 Traditions and 12 Concepts for World Service and the path to freedom they contain with the story of our relationship both before and after the miracle of recovery.    Our paramount intention was to help others find a solution to the spiritual disease of fear that afflicts every human being to some degree.  The alcoholic is the extreme example but there are many more manifestations, all of which can be helped with the practice of the spiritual principles of the 12 Steps.

  Then everything changed—as Bill was finishing a large wood sculpture in January and February, 2012, he began to lose his vision.  At first we thought it was a floater that would dissipate on its own.  Then his peripheral vision began to diminish and by the end of February, he was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer.   Our focus turned to healing the cancer.  The rest of 2012 was filled with radiation and chemo treatments but we did manage a few speaking engagements.  Then in 2013 the cancer returned and Bill died August 9th.

Our belief in the power of the spiritual principles contained in the 12 Steps never wavered.  Through all the sometimes painful and uncomfortable treatments, he never stopped helping others, never stopped going to 12 Step Fellowship meetings and never stopped sharing his and our experience.  We were invited to speak in several places but his strength was tenuous and we had to take great care.

Since I never thought Bill could actually die, denial equaled hope for me during those difficult days just before he passed.  Today I have moved into a kind of acceptance that is changing every day.  Starting the day after he transitioned, I went to my early morning meeting so I could stay connected to the people and spiritual principles that had sustained me and him for 21 years of sobriety and recovery.  I was asked to tell my story at the Jackson Hole meeting in September and then in January 2013 I was privileged to be asked to be the Sunday morning speaker at WACYPAA which was held in Denver at the Sheraton Hotel.

My connection with Bill is intensified and strengthened when I am asked to speak at any event or meeting.  He was so enthusiastic about sobriety, recovery and the 12 Steps.   I feel that I am privileged to be able to continue his and my legacy of recovery and understanding of the spiritual principles.   We met in 1965 and maintained a relationship that went through many transitions drunk and sober.   Our stories are totally intertwined; we truly dug deep in one place.  Even today I am still exploring our relationship by continuing to create art in our studio, by participating in my 12 Step fellowship, by sponsoring others through the 12 Steps, by writing my experience and by telling our story whenever and wherever I am invited.  The 12 Steps continue to sustain and uphold me as I face this new world without Bill.

PREPARATION FOR HEALING–BRAZIL

Tuesday, our second day in Abadiania, we made it through the night alive.  The first thing on the agenda is that I go to the blessed waterfall with Kelsie.  It’s early in the morning and the thought of even a quick dip in a cold running stream doesn’t really sound all that appealing, never the less it couldn’t be any worse than the cold shower I took earlier.  So, OK, I’m in!

Bill can’t go with us because Kelsie doesn’t have permission from the Entities of Light for him yet; we would all have to go together—Kelsie, Bill, and me—to help him with the steep path in and out and the rocks at the falls as well.  We will ask for permission next week.

Ready for the Waterfall

Ready for the Waterfall

We walk to the Casa and hire a taxi to drive us down the dirt road to a turnaround where he will wait for us to transport us back up to the Casa; it’s a good thing because it’s at least a mile back up the steep road.   A cement paved path with heavy wire handrails on both sides has now appeared leading further down the valley, there is a large, peeling sign in several languages stating the protocol for the waterfall. It asks for silence, respect, and a meditative attitude while visiting the waterfall.   We walk down after a silent prayer to the Entities for serenity and healing.   We arrive at a cement bench where there is a woman waiting for more women to continue on to the falls.  It is against protocol to proceed alone.   The gate across the path is closed indicating there are people already ahead of us.   Men and women usually go separately but there are exceptions made by the Entities which is what we are hoping for so we can accompany Bill to the blessed waterfall next week.  Bill really wants to be able to experience everything that he possibly can while we are in Brazil. Read More

Why is Recovery THE Answer?

Recently, while discussing the addiction problem of a friend’s fifteen year old daughter, my immediate temptation was to think that this was unique and different, a special problem that needed to be dealt with in an extraordinary manner.  I thought—there must be some kind of therapy, magic medication or miracle action which could fix the problem once and for all.  Rescue and fix—that’s the answer.  These thoughts raced through my head and I’m sure through her parent’s minds as well.    How can we make the problem just go away?

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“PARTNERSHIP”

August 2012

Florida--August 2012

I wake up in the morning overwhelmed with gratitude.  How awesome to have a partner on this journey.  When all this health stuff came down the real meaning of partnership rose to the surface.  Suddenly Sandy had to take over every area of our lives.  I realized that we are really in this together.   The strength of our relationship became even more obvious.   We are so connected that if I want to know how I feel, all I have to do is ask Sandy.   If I’m exhausted, she’s exhausted; if my back hurts, same with her.   The emotional connection is so strong, it’s almost scary.   How she walks the fine line between taking care of me and not treating me like an invalid child is masterful.

We have our little tiffs but because of our commitment to our spiritual life and our partnership we can actually pause and reevaluate our positions.  What an incredible gift.  So many times she is coming from the east and I’m coming from the west that you think we would be used to it.  As we maneuver for position and struggle to hang on, we discover that many times we are headed for the same place.  This has taken practice and a willingness to stand on the beach when the cannibals seem to be pouring out of the jungle.   My first thought is, I have to FLEE!

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Don’t Miss the Miracle!

 At first I missed the miracle because it wasn’t what I wanted. All the cancer was supposed to be gone. When this wasn’t the case I was disappointed and frustrated. It took a minute to actually sink in. “What did you say? What were the results?” The cancer was stopped in its tracks. There was no new growth and what there was had receded by ¼ to ½ . The doctor couldn’t believe it. For the first time since we met she brightened up. She smiled and almost hugged me. She seemed shocked by the outcome of the PET scan. Her experience is that the usual outcome for cancer like mine is 180° from what we were now seeing. A medical miracle!

For some reason the universe wants me on the love boat for four more rounds of chemo. I may or may not find out that reason but I have found out that if I participate with joy, the outcome is always positive. A positive action cannot have a negative result; that’s the law.

Once again I am startled by my expectations. How long before I can let what is just be? What a great adventure! As I practice creating a space between myself and my reaction to events; I am amazed at how everything that enters my life is for my benefit. This understanding is starting to enter my heart and is changing everything. To joyfully and willingly receive what comes is not my first thought; it was not even possible until I started to wake up. Read More

“Good News”

After nearly 3 months of constant care, I got to watch as Bill jumped into our SUV and drove off to a men’s retreat in Estes Park for the whole weekend.   I was invited to come along to act as nurse but his eyes and stamina have been steadily getting better and better during this last month and he wanted to do it all by himself.  I felt such bittersweet relief that we had made it to this point.

Last week we went for a follow up MRI to see if the fourteen days of whole brain radiation treatments were successful in stopping the growth of the tumor that was left in his brain after surgery.  We sat in the surgeon’s office anxiously awaiting the results.  As the good Dr.Vollmer looked at the images on the computer monitor, he did a double take as he looked at the screen,  then brought up the original MRI to check what he was seeing.  Sure enough the small (pea-sized) tumor was gone—no visible trace left—and the shadows of the larger (egg-sized) tumor that had been removed were virtually non-existent.  With restrained optimism he expressed his pleasure with the results and said that we will do a follow-up MRI in three months.

Now, two more cycles of chemo and the lung lesion (unwanted guest) will be in the cosmic dump as well.   The prayers and love from all our friends are doing the job.  The chemo makes Bill’s mouth taste like he’s been sucking on a penny.  His appetite is one-half of what it was and that one-half is tinged with nausea, so we’ve been on a nostalgia recipe kick.  How about some meatloaf with mashed potatoes, pork steak with corn, tuna casserole with potato chips, and root beer floats?  Good grief—it’s like being transported back to our childhoods in the fifties!

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Imagine a Day Without Fear

When I was first introduced to recovery and the 12 Steps, I was convinced they would not work for me. Then I finally asked a person who could lead me through the actions suggested by the Steps and found some willingness to proceed from her enthusiasm.

I could not imagine a day without fear.   I was not sure that I could or would be able to stay in my relationship with Bill.  We had been through so much.  I met him in 1965 when I was 20 years old and almost immediately we began living together.  Our great adventure had begun.   We wanted to create a true artistic partnership but there were no blueprints for this type of relationship at the time.  The closest thing we could find was the artist who married a good little woman and she helped him to achieve success at the cost of her own artistic ambitions. We knew that wouldn’t work for us but I was extremely dependent on him to fulfill my every need and desire, and to pull me into exciting and dangerous behavior.   I loved it but it didn’t quite go along with the partnership we had envisioned.  I remember the first time I actually thought, “I probably could go on living if he left me.”  What a radical idea!  I had always felt like a Victorian heroine who would just retire to bed and die of a broken heart.  How romantic, how silly, how ridiculous!

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“The Big Lumps”–Sandy

“Then perhaps life, as it has a way of doing, suddenly hands us a great big lump that we can’t begin to swallow, let alone digest… What then?… Can we transform these calamities into assets, sources of growth and comfort to ourselves and those about us?”  The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, page 113

 Well, this last week has been the down and dirty of this process that started with the diagnosis of a brain tumor in Bill’s head over a month ago.  To watch the man you have loved for 47 years drained of strength, to see him lying there helpless, with no hair, radiation burns on his forehead, his heart racing at 166 bpm, short of breath; it becomes clear, too clear that this is serious and life threatening. 

The first go round with the discovery of the brain tumor and lung cancer was almost glamorous compared with this reality.  His whole being has been beaten down by twelve days of whole brain radiation, the withdrawal from the anti-seizure and steroid meds and recovery from brain surgery one month earlier.  What next?  How about a massive blood clot in his left leg?  How about  embolisms in both lungs?   These put him flat on his back in Critical Care for seven days, IV tubes in both arms, a heart monitor and oxygen tubes in his nose.

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“What is my job as a sponsor?”

“Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends—this is an experience you must not miss….”  The Big Book, page 89

It is my experience that when we are done with the 12 Steps, the 12 Traditions and the 12 Concepts the best thing I can do is praise, compliment, encourage and bless.   The protégé/student is responsible for their own practice.  I am responsible for giving them the best possible understanding of the 12 Step process that is in my power to give.   My job is to produce another sponsor. However, everyone is free to do this in any way they wish; all that is asked is to report the results of what they are doing.

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“A ratty old magpie feather.”

After Bill found the ratty old black and white magpie feather on the walk at Harmony Foundation, he found at least one feather a day for nearly 90 days.

 After he got out of Harmony, Sandy joined him in this discovery. We found hummingbird feathers, red-tail hawk feathers, flicker, blue bird, robin, sparrow, finch and even turkey vulture feathers. They seemed to be everywhere. Then at the end of 90 days we found a dead bird.  It was the Universe saying, “ OK, you have enough feathers to make your own bird, now look up, go out from here and be the gift, help others and open the doors to understanding for them.”

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