Bill & Sandy Fifield Artist - Authors - Speakers

PREPARATION FOR HEALING–BRAZIL

Tuesday, our second day in Abadiania, we made it through the night alive.  The first thing on the agenda is that I go to the blessed waterfall with Kelsie.  It’s early in the morning and the thought of even a quick dip in a cold running stream doesn’t really sound all that appealing, never the less it couldn’t be any worse than the cold shower I took earlier.  So, OK, I’m in!

Bill can’t go with us because Kelsie doesn’t have permission from the Entities of Light for him yet; we would all have to go together—Kelsie, Bill, and me—to help him with the steep path in and out and the rocks at the falls as well.  We will ask for permission next week.

Ready for the Waterfall

Ready for the Waterfall

We walk to the Casa and hire a taxi to drive us down the dirt road to a turnaround where he will wait for us to transport us back up to the Casa; it’s a good thing because it’s at least a mile back up the steep road.   A cement paved path with heavy wire handrails on both sides has now appeared leading further down the valley, there is a large, peeling sign in several languages stating the protocol for the waterfall. It asks for silence, respect, and a meditative attitude while visiting the waterfall.   We walk down after a silent prayer to the Entities for serenity and healing.   We arrive at a cement bench where there is a woman waiting for more women to continue on to the falls.  It is against protocol to proceed alone.   The gate across the path is closed indicating there are people already ahead of us.   Men and women usually go separately but there are exceptions made by the Entities which is what we are hoping for so we can accompany Bill to the blessed waterfall next week.  Bill really wants to be able to experience everything that he possibly can while we are in Brazil. Read More

“AWESOME SOBRIETY”

AWESOME SOBRIETY 2013

White knuckle sobriety doesn’t interest me at all.  Why would I ever want to just not drink or use mood altering substances?  I was always searching for a solution to my fear.  Alcohol and drugs were my solution to that pesky problem for a long time and to my mind—worked very well thank you. I definitely liked the effect because they took away the fear for a while.  No matter to me that it didn’t last—that feeling of ease and comfort that came at once with that first drink or hit.  The world was changed; fear did not exist for at least a couple of hours.  I remember saying to friends over and over that I was willing to pay the price for this; I thought the price was merely a hangover; I had no clue of the real price of my indulgence.

When I first discovered drugs and alcohol, it was a way to push the envelope of ordinary existence, to walk on the edge of the razor, to fly above the boobs I saw around me who were living (so I thought) unfulfilled lives by doing what society asked of them.   They said: “But we don’t like the taste”.   My thought at the time was: So what if you don’t like the taste—you’ve got to drink your way past that, I don’t like the taste of gin but two martinis later—it tasted great!  It was the effect I was after and I was willing to pay the price, whatever that might be.

I have come a long way since then, when alcohol and drugs were the solution to every problem. Read More

Why is recovery THE answer? Sandy Fifield’s guest post.

Why is recovery THE answer?

“While a friend and I discussed her fifteen-year-old daughter’s addiction problem, my immediate temptation was to think that this was unique and different, a special problem that needed to be dealt with in an extraordinary manner.  I thought–there must be some kind of therapy, magic medication or miracle action which could fix the problem once and for all.  Rescue and fix–that’s the answer.  These thoughts raced through my head and I’m sure through her parents’ minds as well.  How can we make the problem just go away?”

Read more here.

Imagine a Day Without Fear

When I was first introduced to recovery and the 12 Steps, I was convinced they would not work for me. Then I finally asked a person who could lead me through the actions suggested by the Steps and found some willingness to proceed from her enthusiasm.

I could not imagine a day without fear.   I was not sure that I could or would be able to stay in my relationship with Bill.  We had been through so much.  I met him in 1965 when I was 20 years old and almost immediately we began living together.  Our great adventure had begun.   We wanted to create a true artistic partnership but there were no blueprints for this type of relationship at the time.  The closest thing we could find was the artist who married a good little woman and she helped him to achieve success at the cost of her own artistic ambitions. We knew that wouldn’t work for us but I was extremely dependent on him to fulfill my every need and desire, and to pull me into exciting and dangerous behavior.   I loved it but it didn’t quite go along with the partnership we had envisioned.  I remember the first time I actually thought, “I probably could go on living if he left me.”  What a radical idea!  I had always felt like a Victorian heroine who would just retire to bed and die of a broken heart.  How romantic, how silly, how ridiculous!

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“The Gift of Sponsorship”

“Love is seeing yourself in another without fear”

When my sponsor and I started into the 12 Steps, she gave me a carefully defined set of assignments.  I became extremely grateful for the set of guidelines she provided for me.  I needed definite directions because I was undisciplined and scattered.  My thought processes were vague and mushy.  Part of this problem was because I was withdrawing from an addiction I had indulged in for years and part came from the fact that I hadn’t focused on learning anything new for quite a while.  Not everyone needs this and there are many ways to sponsor a newcomer or even someone who has been around for a while, but I sure did.

When I asked her to be my sponsor, I requested that she teach me a way to pass this on to others.  I had become convinced that if I didn’t learn to pass this on, I would not be allowed to continue to come to the meetings.  Thank God, this is not true, but it was enough to force me into asking for help.   I then asked what I could do to pay her back for this and she told me that the only way I would be able to repay her was to make the effort to pass this on to at least one other person.  I agreed because I really needed her help to change my life and I had come to believe that the 12 Steps might just work for me.     Even though I had asked and had been told, I still did not realize the commitment she was making to me or the commitment I was making and how it would change my attitude and outlook on life.

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“What is my job as a sponsor?”

“Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends—this is an experience you must not miss….”  The Big Book, page 89

It is my experience that when we are done with the 12 Steps, the 12 Traditions and the 12 Concepts the best thing I can do is praise, compliment, encourage and bless.   The protégé/student is responsible for their own practice.  I am responsible for giving them the best possible understanding of the 12 Step process that is in my power to give.   My job is to produce another sponsor. However, everyone is free to do this in any way they wish; all that is asked is to report the results of what they are doing.

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“The Beginnings of an Awakening”

How did I feel knowing that I drank and did drugs, yet Bill was the one who went into Rehab?  As the intervention I had planned unfolded, I believe I was unaware of what this really meant.  My basic thought at the time was that I wanted to save Bill’s life.

It had become obvious even to me that he was out of control. I knew he was drinking the whole time I was at work.  He was driving to the liquor store and bars under the influence and it seemed only a matter of time before something tragic would happen.  I, however, was still able to go to work and I had taken control of everything I could in a desperate attempt to prove that everything was okay in my house.  It seemed apparent to me, Bill, and everyone else that I had no problem with drugs or alcohol, therefore, I did not need rehab though Bill certainly did.  I hoped that if he could regain control, we could get back to our lives and continue to use drugs and alcohol moderately.  All my problems would be solved.

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